A blind killer whale travels through time and becomes Queen of England. Amish use laser skateboards to fight a global war against living piles of coleslaw. That fast-talking Micro Machines spokesperson marries a broken VCR stuck in fast-forward mode.
Did these things happen? Definitely not. But when did that ever stop Verbicide from bringing you the news you want to hear? Ultimately, journalism isn’t about giving a factual account of things that happened — it’s about unearthing a larger truth, sometimes by reporting on things that didn’t happen as if they did. It’s about sacrificing our safety to bring you stories that are so inconceivable that we are basically wasting everyone’s time. That, in our limited understanding, is what freedom of press is all about.
Below are the top 10 things that never happened. But just because they didn’t happen doesn’t mean that they couldn’t have happened. Keep that in mind, and you just might make it out alive.
1. Jennifer Lopez’s Rocks Fool Millions — Entertainer Wanted for Questioning
2. Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker Agree to Film Rush Hour 18; Unfortunately, Cannot Come to Terms to Film Rush Hour 5 Through 17
3. James Franco Wins Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest
4. Darth Vader Confirms: Luke Skywalker Adopted
5. Steve Buscemi Quits Acting, Bequeaths Eyes to Little Blind Kid
6. Avril Lavigne Marries a Sega Dreamcast
7. Amanda Bynes Plays Lindsay Lohan in Lifetime Channel Biopic of Miley Cyrus
8. Nicolas Cage Becomes Fully CGI
9. Mark Wahlberg Captures Carmen Sandiego
10. Wikileaks Email Reveals There Never Was a Michael Jackson