Interview: We Are Scientists

words by Nate Pollard | photo by Dan Monick
| Tuesday, October 1st, 2013

Years after their last album took the world by storm, the boys of We Are Scientists have decided to stop being lazy ruff-necks, announcing plans to release Business Casual, a weathered EP filled with the lilting, salt-and-pepper falsettos we’ve come to expect from the dynamic duo. However, with a new drummer and even newer tailored t-shirts, the Scientists could be poised to take it to the next level. Level 2, as it were.

But that’s neither here nor there. We Are Scientists have always been about educating men and women on shifting sexual moralities, helping open minds in a world of broken dreams and even more broken realities. And to that end, they made pacts with savage demon hordes to increase their powers and protect humankind. The sacrifice! So the next time you’re walking down a dark alleyway and end up face to face with a monster of your own making, remember that We Are Scientists aren’t just slippery, music-thrusting grifter gigolos. They’re also here to help.

Music has changed a lot since the last time you talked to Verbicide. For example, Miley Cyrus is a hip-hop artist now. When and how do you plan on becoming hip-hop artists, and what will be the name and the track listing of this soon to be groundbreaking multi-platinum release? Please include production credits and guest vocals for added legitimacy.

Well, our new album is hip-hop, so the transition begins shortly. It’s called 1 Night 1 Life So True, and here’s the track listing:

1. WH1PS
2. Say, Sheila
3. Tramps In the Closet
4. Ch4in Wh1p
5. So Elegant
6. Can’t Stop Starin’ (Strayin’)
7. Missile Toes
8. 1 M0re Wh1p
9. Whisper the Score Into My Ear
10. Who’s On First? [skit]

We got a great cast of characters to work on it, for which we’re super grateful. Production was handled by Little Mike, ‘Sup, Tap Shoes, PurpleSaurus, Lil Gotcha, Ol’ Scott, Master Myth, and Sega Genesis, with additional beats production by Kanye West. Guest vocals: Giorgio Moroder, Panda Bear, Julian Casablancas, and Pharrel.

I noticed you guys look a little more buff than usual this time around. What is the best way to stay in shape, and how much do you lift?

The single most important step you can take to bolster your physical fitness is simply to avoid car crashes. We do this every morning (Chris is an early-morning exercizer, Keith is more late-morning/midday). How much do we… “lift”? Uh… hm. Confused. But yeah, thanks for noticing our improved fitness level. The thing is, we used to get into car crashes all the time, and it’s just such an obstacle. You’re basically setting yourself up for failure, fitness-wise.

Stalking isn’t as popular as it used to be? What’s up with that?

Stalking hasn’t become less popular. It’s become way more popular — mainstream, in fact. They just changed its name to Facebook. Physically stalking someone has naturally fallen by the wayside as digital stalking has become easy, efficient, and comparatively safe (for both the stalker and the stalked). There isn’t much incentive anymore to sit around in a car outside somebody’s house — sunglasses, baseball cap pulled down low, pretending to read the newspaper, maybe having to knock out a street lamp, etc. You can just join your target’s Facebook feed. You’ll get pictures of her in a swimsuit, all kinds of info about her favorite foods and books and movies, bits of amateurish poetry, scraps of video from vacation, breakup and makeout announcements…

You wake up in an open field of high grass. It is night, and there is a cold breeze that cuts through your silk robes and chills you to the bone. In the distance, you can hear the faint, sensual call of a woman’s voice telling you to walk forward against the wind. At your back, there is a familiar light, pulsing slowly.The warmth of the light feels like home, but as you ponder it, you realize that both the light and voice are fading away. Soon you will be left in in silence and complete darkness. Do you follow the voice or walk towards the light?

Since we’re wearing silk robes, the best move is to walk toward the sensual woman’s voice rather than toward home. Showing up on your own doorstep wearing silk robes is just going to upset everyone — at least, that’s what would happen at our home, total panic. Arriving clad in silk at the sensual woman’s firelit threshold, on the other hand, seems appropriate. It says, as silk always does, “Let’s explore each other’s bodies.”

If you had any advice for a blind fireman, what would it be?

Stop, drop, and roll.

Practical question: I’m really bad at saving money. What’s the best way to encourage good financial habits, and how should I invest my earnings?

The best way to encourage good financial habits is probably to attach wires to yourself and send a little jolt through every time you think about buying something. The savings will start piling up pretty quickly. How to invest them? You could do worse than to stockpile copies of our various albums. Over time, We Are Scientists albums have held their value better than gold, Google stock, and every major world currency. In fact, if you had invested $100 in W.A.S. albums 10 years ago, you would be a billionaire today. (Maybe. Who knows?)

There’s a cow and she loves you. LIE TO HER.

I feel nothing for you. Just go.

We Are Scientists started as a band but has become a movement. Besides joining a reality TV show, what is the best way for the common man to become as rich, famous, and powerful as you are?

Inventing something really brilliant and popular might work. We’re talking “paper” or “electricity”-level, here, not just a fucking iPod. Another option would be to make first contact with a superior alien race and become their official spokesperson on Earth.

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