Few people would take such an intense stance on advertising and those who propogate it, but so too would few people argue that ads are ubiquitous and, frequently, obnoxious. Of course, there are those that are bizarre and downright clever…and then there are those that stoop to the lowest common denominator. Larry the Cable Guy promoting antacids? Curt Schilling shilling egg sandwiches? There have been ads far worse.
Here are 10 from a time period thankfully bygone, and the advice each seems to suggest as to how a man should treat a woman.
Blow Smoke In Her Face
If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my life, it’s that people, especially women, just love having sexy, cancer-rich cigar smoke blown into their eyes and mouth. “Hit her with Tipalet Cherry, or rich, grape-y Tipalet Burgundy.” Sounds like someone’s got a date with the chemotherapy ward in Flavor Country.
Don’t Let Her Drive Your Car
“Dear, I backed the car out of the driveway and ran over the neighbor’s dog. Have some pie.” The old “women are bad drivers” schtick. That’s clever. And true to life. After all, a pudding distraction is how my mother broke the news that she had backed over my father.
Keep Her On the Floor
This ad is the single greatest reason that most men in the 1960s had floors made entirely of women and shoes.
Make Her Do Your Bidding
The subtext to this 1980s ad is seriously disturbing. I’ll bet this woman is so clumsy that she walks into doorknobs all the time.
Force Her to Perform Uncomfortable Sex Acts
Oh, I get it. Her partner shoved his cock in her mouth, and the thing was so big it tore the corners of her lips open like Heath Ledger’s Joker. I’ll bet that’s a common problem for the users of XXL condoms. Sadly, this ad is from just several years ago, so remember it when you start to think that society has gotten more progressive.
Give Her a Spanking
Remember that clever shirt that got you laid that one time? Was there spanking involved? No? Might be time for a Van Heusen shirt. Because if you wear a Van Heusen, women will let you spank the shit out of them. Promise.
No, Really. Give Her a Spanking
What the hell? Was wife spanking a thing back in the days of “Leave It to Beaver”? I’ll remember that next time I hear someone idealize that era.
Beat Her (and Spank Her…Again)
Spanking a little too vanilla for your “rollicking” lifestyle? Move straight to beating your wife, assuming you ever stopped beating her in the first place. I’m guessing the Co-le Sales Company was some kind of alien advertising experiment in human behavioral conditioning. The alternative is too messed up to fathom.
Threaten Her Life
“Is it always illegal to kill a woman?”
Yes. Yes it is.
Pitney-Bowes: The Postage Meter for Psychopaths.™
Cut Off Her Head
And finally, if it isn’t enough to have “your girl” naked on the floor, you can always decapitate her and stick her head on a tiger-skin rug as a warning to other women that you don’t mess around. Then go out by some nice new slacks. All that decapitation got your old ones damp and sweaty.