I Used To “Like” Facebook

words by Nick James
| Friday, July 22nd, 2011

I liked Facebook, I really did. Having the ability to digitally immerse yourself in your friends lives while simultaneously creating your own personal internet-based time capsule became the coolest thing since sliced bread…or since Myspace, at least.

By now, 750 million active user have logged on and taken a part in the fine arts of picture tagging, “Like”-ing their favorite television shows and musicians, or harvesting crops in digital farming communities. Facebook bridged the gap between friends and family members in other states and countries, and provided a forum for people to be heard who otherwise would have been too lazy to have a voice.

And then one day, out of nowhere…it became a clusterfuck. I donʼt know when it happened exactly, but everything changed.  I began to dread signing into the social network to get my daily fix. After a couple minutes of newsfeed browsing, I felt slightly more depressed with the state of the planet than I did before logging on. So whoʼs to blame for my current disposition on Facebook? The answer is simple: we are. The true problems with Facebook do not reside with Mark Zuckerberg or the real smart people he hired behind the scene that keep the hamster wheel turning. My issue is with…us. Humanity.

5)Everyone is not a philosopher

I sign on to Facebook at least once a day and just check my newsfeed to see what people are talking about. I notice that 40 percent of the the status updates Im sifting through are cryptic life instructions from people who were exclaiming “FUCK my cheating significant other” 24 hours earlier in their previous post.

Look, people — do us all a favor and get a job, a car, a house, a spouse, and then hold all that together for more than five minutes and then maybe — just maybe — we will want to hear what you have to say. Or, if youʼre truly feeling inspired, get off your ass and write a book with that all wisdom you possess. Until then, spare me and the rest of the people on your friends list the anguish of throwing up just a little bit in our mouths every time you decide to bless us with your enlightenment. Okay, Plato?

4)Yes, Yes, We know, We know……You hate your job

WTF? Does anyone know what a recession is? Heres a definition: “A period of general economic decline, typically defined as a decline in GDP for two or more consecutive quarters. A recession is typically accompanied by a drop in the stock market, an increase in unemployment, and a decline in the housing market.”

Do you actually understand what that means? It means that while you are moaning about whatever position you were fortunate enough to obtain, five trillion people probably just lost their job. Suck it up, do what you have to do, un-friend your boss before you get fired, and move on, you simple bastards.

3) The haters keep hating on my hatred

Alright, so this one is going to be directed more toward the women on Facebook, mainly because men are dumber and are more liable to resolve their issues in a more barbaric “Ill just knock your head off” fashion. You know how they have those statistics that say “every 60 seconds a car is jacked,” or “every 60 seconds a video featuring a kitten is uploaded onto Youtube?” I feel like every 60 seconds a woman makes a ranting status update about some haters hating hoopla.

The beauty of Facebook is that it allows everyone to feel more important or popular than they actually are in reality. Humans are social beings; we yearn for catharsis and approval from others in ways that many other animals donʼt. Without social interaction with others, you end up like Tom Hanks in Castaway; i.e., batshit crazy talking to a volleyball you dolled up. With that being said, I suppose the best I can do is to just take these hater-directed ramblings with a grain of salt. I just wonder if the thought ever crosses their minds that in reality, no one is hating on them, and more importantly, (gasp) that nobody actually gives a shit.

2) Micro-updates

Nick James is writing a blog article. Nick James just ate a bowl of cereal. Nick James is proofreading his blog article. Nick James just turned a doorknob. Nick James just found his missing sock…

1) Fuck yo couch SPOUSE

In the event that you and your spouse are having problems, Iʼd like you to take a wild guess as to where the most illogical place to voice these frustrations might be. Go ahead, take your time, I can wait… If youʼre having some trouble, then let me help: it’s Facebook. There are only a few things that a “FUCK MY SPOUSE BECAUSE OF XYZ” post can get you. For starters, it confirms to the people on your friends list that you are a moron and should have listened to them when they told you not to deal with the douche bag that youʼre venting about. Secondly, it makes any person who was potentially interested in dating you realize that you are clearly a loose cannon when it comes to dealing with your emotions. And, lastly — and also most importantly — no one really wants to see your dirty laundry stretched out to dry across cyberspace….well, except maybe for your haters.

Now I know what youʼre thinking: If Facebook sucks so badly, then I should just purge my friends list or just deactivate my account altogether. And while one day that may be my only option, I’m going to continue to use Facebook for the same reasons people continue to waste money on Michael Bay movies. Sometimes you just donʼt have anything better to do.


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