I spent 40 minutes of my life last night watching the Rihanna 777 tour documentary. Why did I do that? I already knew that the seven-day, seven-city promotional tour that ran back in November 2012 to promote Rihanna‘s seventh album Unapologetic had been a big airborne fail, complete with rioting journalists, glitchy shows, and an unaccessible and consistently stoned pop star. I knew that the documentary, which aired live on Fox last night and was produced by Roc Nation and Def Jam, wouldn’t be giving anyone the inside scoop on what really went down on the 777 plane that carried aboard 250 journos, fans, and crew members, but would rather gloss over it and make it seem like the tour ran a little smoothly.
But I’m harsh on myself sometimes, so I figured I deserved to watch the whole thing — and boy, am I annoyed that I did. Even though I was an idiot this weekend, I still didn’t deserve that. Nobody does.
Since this doc doesn’t even deserve a proper review, I’m just going to list seven observations I made while watching that maybe you made too.
1. The Beginning Is the Only Fun Part. The documentary begins with excited fans and journalists ripping open cool 777 swag (socks with Rihanna’s face on them, and necklaces with real diamond pendants). Rihanna explains that these are all real diamond necklaces, guys. “You can never say you never had a diamond in ya life.” Then she mingles with the journalists, and says things like, “You’re from Brazil? Yesss. I love Brazil.”
2. None of This Was Rihanna’s Idea. “I can’t believe this is happening!” Rihanna says from inside of a limo. Yeah, she can. And she’s like, “Ugh. Responsibility.”
3. We All Know Riri’s Lying When She Says, “I Shouldn’t Be Going Out Tonight, But it’s Paris, So…” Because it was confirmed that Rihanna stayed out til late in Paris, and then decided to go lingerie shopping, which delayed the plane on the tarmac for three hours.
4. Rihanna Doesn’t Want to Be Here, Guys. Just watch any lackadaisical performance from her first five cities. Her stomach looks incred, though.
5. The Only Song That Sounded Good Was “Stay.” Footage from Rihanna’s London performance of “Stay” appears in the doc, and she sounds good, finally! Rihanna later reveals that she really likes that song, so maybe this means Rihanna only puts effort into activities she really likes (the song “Stay,” smoking da weed).
6. Most People Just Want to Have Sex With Rihanna, and That’s the Extent of Their Feelings Toward Her. “I love her. I adore her. I want her, now!” -One fan that was interviewed. Kind of how I feel, kind of how most people feel, I think.
7. Even When the Tour Was Just a Concept, This Wasn’t Even a Good Idea. Rihanna was probably so stoned that when her PR people were like, “We have a great idea: you’re going to fly Delta with all this press and these fans and you’re gonna comply and love it and make this the best press junket since Madonna’s Truth or Dare!” she just said, “Aight, cool,” without thinking about how awful it would be to have to fly commercial and not be allowed to get high 24/7. Maangggg.
Christina Drill is a freelance writer/editor living in Brooklyn, NY.