Another favorite is “triscuit crackers,” used to describe a boring, generic-seeming person. As in, “That girl in the beige sweater-set with those blond highlights is such a triscuit cracker.” This is mostly used in extreme bitterness when boys seem to prefer triscuit crackers to super awesome flavor-blasted goldfish. Like, um, me. And then I found out that other friend groups have similar names for these types of people — like “flat sodas” (why does it always seem to be food related?).

Basically my new dream is to make fauxpen happen. I want to invent a meme. I want to travel across the country, go to a sandwich shop, start talking to a stranger, and then have that person be like, “Wow, that guy is so fauxpen.” At which point I will dance with glee. And then fly back home. (This plan may be slightly flawed.)

But it’s not so crazy to try and invent new words. My sister and her friends are all about “teen speak.” As in, they shorten everything and talk as if they are constantly Facebook chatting one other. Totes = totally. Probs = probably. Cleave = cleavage. Alright, this is totes obvs the best slang eves. And apparently there’s also “hipster speak,” which pretty much entails making a lot of ironic pop culture references. What a shocker.

According to The Hipster Handbook Glossary, there’s an entire hipster language out there, just festering in the dive bars of Williamsburg. Some highlights: “Jerry” (as in Garcia), means a stoner or a hippie. “Ishtar” is something crappy. And “the frigidaire” means giving someone the cold shoulder. As in, “That guy who said he would call totally gave me the frigidaire.” Which, hipsters be damned, is kind of an awesome word. I think I might steal it.

If I may be so bold, I’ve decided to suggest a few new words for hipsters. How about the “hamster” — the Hamptons hipster. We already have a word for trust-fund hippies (trustafarians), so why not a word for super wealthy hipsters who are slumming it in Brooklyn sublets? Or, in the vein of movie pop culture (a la Ishtar), how about “the twilight.” You could use it when your friend starts getting way too into a significant other. Like, if your guy friend is night-stalking his current flame and watching her sleep (because he loves her, obvs), you would say, “Tim always seemed so normal until he pulled that twilight and tried to suck Stacy’s blood.” Or you know, whatever.

Okay, fine, “the twilight,” is kind of lame. But fauxpen is seriously awesome, and I predict it’ll catch on quicker than ironic facial hair at an Animal Collective show. Help spread the word. Tweet it.

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Rachel Carter has an MFA in nonfiction writing from Columbia University. Her work has appeared in Girl Zone magazine and The Faster Times. She is currently living in New York and working on a young adult novel about ghosts. Visit her Pop Culture Blog.

OVERALL LOOK PREDICTIONS

#1. The Amish

We all know that hipsters like irony. But some of them also like sincerity. Ironic-sincerity? Sincere sincerity? Whatever. I recently learned about this whole reemerging hipster movement in LA called the New Sincerity Movement, which is mostly just about artists acting super sincere and playing really unironic folk music. Which got me thinking; maybe hipsters are getting sick of irony. Maybe 2010 is all about being crazy sincere. And no one is more sincere than the Amish. Plus, think about it: they wear statement hats. They like suspenders. They have structural facial hair. I mean, hipsters are already halfway to Amish anyway. I predict 2010 is the year they’ll fully commit. And maybe start farming all over Williamsburg.

#2. Superhero Chic

According to Paste Magazine, we’re currently in the hipster age of the Meta Nerd. Lots of glasses without frames and ironic suspenders. But come on hipsters, I think we can get even nerdier. How about superhero chic? Think larping, but with less role playing and more irony. We all know that everyone loves superheroes. Since hipsters are basically just wearing elaborate costumes anyway, it’s time to take the plunge and put on some green tights and a mask. Or an entire Iron Man suit. It’s pretty much a hipster outfit anyway: hard to walk in, takes a lot of effort to get into, tight in weird places.

#3. Vikings

A year ago, every other skinny 20-something guy in New York City was dressed in flannel and had a huge beard. 2009 was all about the fake glasses and the pocket protectors. But I predict they’ll be a mountain man resurgence in 2010. Times 100. Meet: The Viking! This guy doesn’t wear flannel, he rocks huge fur pelts. And he wields a big axe (he wishes). As far as I know, weaponry is a totally untapped hipster market. Maybe it’s time they all started carrying around cross bows and battle-axes. It might be a little more manly than a ukulele. I’m just saying.

HOT NEW ACCESSORIES

#1. Gas Masks

Hipsters love a good useless accessory. Monocles, tiny instruments, fanny packs. The more useless, the better. But instead of just being useless, accessories in 2010 will become aggressively dysfunctional. Like a gas mask. After all, gas masks obstruct almost all of your senses. And unless some chemical warfare starts happening, they’re beyond useless. Hipsters will love them. I predict we’ll start seeing these paired with skinny jeans and neon sunglasses over the eyeholes.

#2. Chaps

Skinny jeans have been popular for far too long. It’s time for them to evolve. And since they’re getting skinnier and skinnier, what’s the next logical step? For pieces of them to start disappearing. Like the ass pieces. Or, if that’s too obvious, maybe an ironic calf cutout. Or a strategically placed thigh hole. But let’s face it, those jeans are getting so tight they’re bound to start ripping anyway. It’s time to cut out the middle man. Literally.

#3. Crocheted Beards

I predict that in 2010, everyone will start crocheting beards for themselves. It’s the perfect combo of ironic facial hair and unnecessary effort. Can’t you just see all those hipsters on the subway click-clicking as they create a super warm mustache? You could have a pink beard, or a neon blue one, or a – oh what? This already exists?

It’s official. I’m a genius.
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Rachel Carter has an MFA in nonfiction writing from Columbia University. Her work has appeared in Girl Zone magazine and The Faster Times. She is currently living in New York and working on a young adult novel about ghosts. Visit her Pop Culture Blog.

"Evolution of the Hipster" from Paste magazine

I know what you’re thinking. You’ve been walking around your neighborhood for a while now, going: “Who are these cool kids hanging out on their stoops wearing neon sunglasses and talking about Vice? They look so aloof and ironic! How can I become one of them?”

Well, you are in luck, my friend. I’m here to show you the way. Because aside from a general air of apathy, there are certain aesthetic elements you’ll need to invest in if you truly want to become a hipster.

Here they are, the top five hipster essentials:

#1. Skinny Jeans

If you want to be a hipster, your number one investment is skinny jeans. Stat. Look, sometimes a cliché is a cliché because it’s true. And hipsters are not hipsters without skinny jeans — the skinnier the better. Plus there are lots of great places you can find them. Like American Apparel. Or Urban Outfitters. Or maybe you can just take your regular jeans and cut out about 12 inches of fabric. Extra hipster points if you find them in a crazy color. Think hot pink, or electric blue, or neon orange. Actually, just envision an acid-washed Easter egg. Now make that happen on your legs! Remember: you’re not a hipster until you’re rocking ostentatious sweaty denim.

#2. Structural Facial Hair

When it comes to facial hair you really can’t go wrong. At least as long as you don’t shave. No one likes a baby-faced hipster. But the mountain man? Hot! The Fu Manchu? Sounds great (and not at all skanky)! Seriously, even a Hitler-stache is fair game. Try taking a razor and just sort of attacking your face with it. I guarantee someone is already wearing this look in Williamsburg. Also, no more washing! A true hipster is afraid of only one thing: water. Well, that and bears.

#3. A Pointless Accessory

In order to be a true hipster, you need to carry around at least one pointless accessory. Perhaps you have a ukulele just sitting in your closet collecting dust. Pull that baby out and start walking down the street with it! Have an old fedora lying around? Why not put it on your head? Any dapper hat will do (as long as it won’t actually keep your head warm). There are endless possibilities: glasses without lenses, suspenders with tight pants, a neon fanny pack, even a monocle. Just make sure that whatever accessories you’re rocking have absolutely no discernable point.

#4. An Ironic Tattoo

It’s a well-known fact that hipsters are always trying to out-ironic one another. Sometimes they’re even so ironic they actually become sincere again. What better way to prove that you win irony than by getting it in permanent ink on your body? Try getting a tattoo that just says “tattoo.” Or a mustache on your finger that you can hold up to your upper lip at parties. If you’re going to be a hipster it’s time to fully commit. With your skin.

#5. A Shoe/Pant Combination that Makes it Look Like You Ride on the Special Bus

If you’ve followed steps 1 – 4, by now you’ve got the tight pants, the jaunty cap, and the ironic ink. You’re almost there! There’s just one missing element: the special bus shoe/pant combo. It’s time to go buy some white ’70s tube socks, with or without stripes. These can be paired with any type of shoe –- though FYI, every hipster loves a brightly-colored sneaker. Then, slap on your skinny jeans and make sure your socks stick out as much as possible, and voila! Forrest Gump moves to Brooklyn. And gets way more self-aware.

Congratulations! You have arrived in hipster-dom. Now it’s time to go make friends with other hipsters. This can be tricky; you will need to remember to act like you don’t care about anything. And to stay away from “sensitive” topics, like primetime TV. Why not try these conversation starters: “Hello, I also only go to that obscure coffee shop down the street where they only serve fair trade coffee grown in Brazilian rainforests. Starbucks is so the devil.” Or, “Of course I was at that show the other night. Nerdy Girl and the Technical Thing is totally happening. I like their use of the ukulele.” And if you need any more inspiration, check out “Evolution of the Hipster,” by Paste Magazine.

Once you’ve made friends with other hipsters, you have truly made it. And this is where we part ways forever, as you are no longer interested in “One Tree Hill,” and I don’t want to talk about the benefits of neon leggings.
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Rachel Carter has an MFA in nonfiction writing from Columbia University. Her work has appeared in Girl Zone magazine and The Faster Times. She is currently living in New York and working on a young adult novel about ghosts. Visit her Pop Culture Blog.

Anyway, this is a super fun game, I promise. And if you’re really bored, you can even take it a step farther and create whole personas for your bands, with nicknames, albums, and song titles. I’m currently a member of The Snow Ponies, and my alter-ego is Jasmine Sparkleberry. Our first album is called Needles in the Sand. First single: “Seasonal Muffintop.” And no, I have no musical ability. Just a lot of free time, apparently.

I realize that poking fun at indie band names on a site largely devoted to indie music is a tad crass. But come on. The other day I was looking up music from, um,”The Vampire Diaries,” when I stumbled across the band We Were Promised Jet Packs. The music was great: soaring melodies, lovely folksy voices, blah, blah. To be honest, I had a hard time paying attention to anything but the name. Jet Packs? Seriously? As far as I’m concerned, if you name your band after the assurance of futuristic flight equipment you’re pretty much fair game.

What blows my mind is how so many different bands have similarly absurd trains of thought. After listening to both Margo & The Nuclear So and So’s and Florence + The Machine in the same day, my friend declared that Nerdy Girl And The Technical Thing is now her new band name. And look at all the lupine-inspired bands: Wolfmother, Wolf Parade, Sea Wolf. Or for the more arboreally inclined: The Wooden Birds, The Wooden Sky, Woodpigeon. I’m personally a big fan of declarative and imperative band names: Clap You Hands Say Yeah, I’m from Barcelona, and I Would Set Myself on Fire For You. Whoa Emo. Check out this list of the worst band names of ’07 for a total round up (and fair warning, there is a category called “Rape.” Which is about 100 kinds of disturbing). My favorite? Happy Mother’s Day, I can’t read.

Not only do indie band names make a fun game, they also serve some practical functions. Specifically when it comes to indie band name generators. Anytime I need to name a party on Facebook, I just head over to Cool’eh magazine for some inspiration. This is how my last Halloween party got named Satanic Shakedown Explosion. I’ve also generated (and kind of fallen in love with): Cobalt and the Beholder, Wine? and Chinese Slack Water. Which, actually, are all pretty awesome band names. And may already be playing in Brooklyn somewhere.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting that indie band names become any less ridiculous. I just want to make sure everyone is gaining maximum enjoyment from this indie practice. So next time you’re hanging out and someone says something like, “this room is full of flashlights and underpants.” Just say, “Flashlights And Underpants is my new indie band name.” Because where would the world be without unnecessarily long, mildly offensive, absurdist band names? A sad, sad, place, that’s where.

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Rachel Carter has an MFA in nonfiction writing from Columbia University. Her work has appeared in Girl Zone magazine and The Faster Times. She is currently living in New York and working on a young adult novel about ghosts. Visit her Pop Culture Blog.

Moving to New York City three years ago was a little bit of a culture shock. All of a sudden I was confronted with things like “public transportation” and “Starbucks.” If I sound like a cliché, it’s because I was one – I grew up in a small rural town, and New York was pretty daunting. Every time I got my bearings I had to figure out something else. And this included the people. It turns out that I-bankers, short for investment bankers, is a term for guys who wear polo shirts, go out in the meat-packing district, and have enough money to pay for dinner. Brooklyn “green” moms only give their kids organic food while fighting campaigns for breast-feeding rights. And then there are the hipsters.

Like hippies and punks of the past decades, hipsters are the new cornerstones of alternative youth culture. But instead of believing in free love and/or preaching anarchy, hipsters like to listen to indie bands, wear skinny jeans, and do everything ironically.

I like irony as much as the next person. Actually, that’s not true. I’m diabolically sincere, especially when it comes to cheesy pop culture stuff. I like so much stuff unironically. Things that are not cool for anyone to like. Things like “One Tree Hill.” And Twilight.

But living in Brooklyn puts me in the heart of the hipster world. Many of my friends fell out of the womb in skinny-jeans. In the past few years, I’ve developed a healthy appreciation for hipster culture, even as I recognize that I can never truly be a part of it (fedoras just don’t look good on me).

Therefore this column is a chance for me to blend two things I love: hipster stalking and pop culture. I’m going to “out” hipster culture. Well, sort of. It’s kind of tough for me to write anything without mentioning Robert Pattinson, so fair warning, there’s going to be a lot of cheesy stuff mixed in with the too-cool-for-school. But if the word “hipster” leaves you scratching your head, think of me as a hipster-culture translator — or, if you’re a hipster-in-training, as a big fat warning sign. Because let’s be honest, if it’s gotten to me, it’s probably no longer cool.
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Rachel Carter has an MFA in nonfiction writing from Columbia University. Her work has appeared in Girl Zone magazine and The Faster Times.  She is currently living in New York and working on a young adult novel about ghosts. Visit her Pop Culture Blog.