It’s undeniable that smoking is the coolest way to kill yourself. That’s why high schoolers love it. But did you know that some of your favorite cartoon characters also smoke? It’s true! They crave the sweet relief of poisonous smoke filling their nonexistent lungs. Hell, sometimes they actively sell cigarettes to kids.
It has been said that tobacco companies rule our world. Here are 22 pieces of proof that big tobacco rules the animated world too.
Yup, after a long day of hauling rock bare-assed on the back of a dinosaur or using a woolly mammoth’s trunk to vacuum a prehistoric living room, nothing beats the completely period appropriate taste of Winston cigarettes. That’s right. The Flintstones were spokespeople for Winston cigarettes. When you think about it, it makes perfect sense to advertise a nicotine-rich cyanide delivery system to kids. After all, what self respecting nine-year-old doesn’t want a pack a day smoking addiction? A loser, that’s who.
Tom and Jerry
And you thought they were just violent psychopaths. It turns out, they also love a good cigar break. So much so that many classic “Tom and Jerry” episodes had to be re-edited to remove any reference to smoking and enjoying that sweet, sweet tobacco. But don’t worry, kids. That episode where Tom is executed by guillotine? That’s not going anywhere. Nor is the episode that culminates with the two committing suicide.
Sylvester the Cat
If Tom and Jerry taught us anything, it’s that when cartoon cats aren’t on murderous killing sprees, they need to appease their other more base addictions. For noted junky Sylvester the Cat, this means smoking 10 to 12 packs of cigarettes. Also pills. Lots and lots of pills.
Get it? Get the joke?! The foul-mouthed baby from Who Framed Roger Rabbit? smokes cigars. Hilarious, right? It’s super funny if your really think about it. I mean, so long as you think infant oral cancer is an acceptable punchline. Which it is. Undoubtedly.
Patty and Selma Bouvier
The smoking Bouvier twins. These mainstays of “The Simpsons” are never far from their cigarettes, which is funny since because of their cigarettes they’re never far from death. How much do these ladies smoke? It turns out that their grey hair is just a side effect of their unfiltered, smoky lifestyle. In reality, they are blonde and brunette.
When being a racist caricature from a classic Disney movie is only your first problem, you know you have issues. But with the jive-talking Jim Crow from Dumbo constantly chomping on cigars, it’s surprising the movie hasn’t been completely blacklisted by the normally squeamish megacorporation.
Peter loses points for being a young smoker but gains them back for joining in on the Indians’ cultural traditions and preaching racial tolerance. Then he loses them all again for engaging in racist stereotyping of the “red man.” And all while smoking a peace pipe. Way to raise a generation of confused racist smokers, kid.
Everyone knows that real boys smoke ’em if they got ’em. And Pinocchio wants to be a real boy, so really, what choice does he have?
Pro tip: Don’t smoke if you’re made of wood.
That’s obviously not tobacco he’s smoking, so he gets a pass. (It’s opium.)