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10 Bizarre, Offensive, and Misogynistic Vintage Magazine Ads

07.11.2012

In one of his more infamous (and venomous) live rants, comedian Bill Hicks told his audience, “If anyone here is in advertising or marketing, kill yourself…you are Satan’s little helper.”

Few people would take such an intense stance on advertising and those who propogate it, but so too would few people argue that ads are ubiquitous and, frequently, obnoxious. Of course, there are those that are bizarre and downright clever…and then there are those that stoop to the lowest common denominator. Larry the Cable Guy promoting antacids? Curt Schilling shilling egg sandwiches? There have been ads far worse.

Here are 10 from a time period thankfully bygone, and the advice each seems to suggest as to how a man should treat a woman.

Blow Smoke In Her Face

Blow in her face

If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my life, it’s that people, especially women, just love having sexy, cancer-rich cigar smoke blown into their eyes and mouth. “Hit her with Tipalet Cherry, or rich, grape-y Tipalet Burgundy.” Sounds like someone’s got a date with the chemotherapy ward in Flavor Country.

Don’t Let Her Drive Your Car

Delicious pudding
“Dear, I backed the car out of the driveway and ran over the neighbor’s dog. Have some pie.” The old “women are bad drivers” schtick. That’s clever. And true to life. After all, a pudding distraction is how my mother broke the news that she had backed over my father.

Keep Her On the Floor

Keep here where she belongs...
This ad is the single greatest reason that most men in the 1960s had floors made entirely of women and shoes.

Make Her Do Your Bidding

Johnny Walker Red
The subtext to this 1980s ad is seriously disturbing. I’ll bet this woman is so clumsy that she walks into doorknobs all the time.

Force Her to Perform Uncomfortable Sex Acts

Durex
Oh, I get it. Her partner shoved his cock in her mouth, and the thing was so big it tore the corners of her lips open like Heath Ledger’s Joker. I’ll bet that’s a common problem for the users of XXL condoms. Sadly, this ad is from just several years ago, so remember it when you start to think that society has gotten more progressive.

Give Her a Spanking

It's daring!
Remember that clever shirt that got you laid that one time? Was there spanking involved? No? Might be time for a  Van Heusen shirt. Because if you wear a Van Heusen, women will let you spank the shit out of them. Promise.

No, Really. Give Her a Spanking

More spanking
What the hell? Was wife spanking a thing back in the days of “Leave It to Beaver”? I’ll remember that next time I hear someone idealize that era.

Beat Her (and Spank Her…Again)

Do you still beat your wife?
Spanking a little too vanilla for your “rollicking” lifestyle? Move straight to beating your wife, assuming you ever stopped beating her in the first place. I’m guessing the Co-le Sales Company was some kind of alien advertising experiment in human behavioral conditioning. The alternative is too messed up to fathom.

Threaten Her Life

Pitney Bowes

“Is it always illegal to kill a woman?”

Yes. Yes it is.

Pitney-Bowes: The Postage Meter for Psychopaths.™

Cut Off Her Head

Leggs
And finally, if it isn’t enough to have “your girl” naked on the floor, you can always decapitate her and stick her head on a tiger-skin rug as a warning to other women that you don’t mess around. Then go out by some nice new slacks. All that decapitation got your old ones damp and sweaty.

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  • http://sportsbooksforbabies.com/ Books

    I wouldn’t call that Durex ad vintage.

    • Baccano

      Did you bother to read what it said under the advert?

      • http://sportsbooksforbabies.com/ Books

        Yes. Did you bother to read the title for the fucking article?

        • Ohnoes

          The internet must be a scary and confusing place for you, but I think you’re going to be OK there, little dude.

        • john

          Article didn’t lie. There are 10 vintage, plus the Durex.

          • mind-blown

            BOOM! What now bitches

    • mjwue

      Nice catch, man. Not sure what we’d do without you around to keep everyone in line.

    • Johnny

      It’s also just a photoshop of a Burger King ad from 2006. Google: “Burger King Really Big Burgers”

    • est2100

      I wouldn’t even call it a Durex ad.

      It’s an altered German Burger King ad from a few years ago. http://adsoftheworld.com/media/print/burger_king_real_big_burgers

  • Babomonkey

    I’m having trouble seeing how the Durex ad is misogynistic. Apart from your headline, an interpretation with no real foundation in the ad content, I don’t see the “anti-female” aspect.

    • Nicole

      Really? Seems pretty clear to me. It’s a degrading message. Ooh, buy these condoms so you can feel like a big man when you force your huge cock into her and split her face in two. Appealing. I have a sense of humor but that ad is disgusting. Sugar coats and sexualizes abuse/rape. I don’t know how people DON’T see that.

      • Janine

        Who the fuck said it was forced? Who the fuck said some women don’t like rough sexplay? It’s misogynistic to say all women like gentle sex.

        • Nicole

          True. I guess I’m just a sexist prude and you’re a pro-equality slut. Ya got me.

          • Ohnoes

            I have to agree with Janine. I’ve given my well endowed boyfriend plenty head before that wasn’t super comfortable but it was hot and I enjoyed it.

          • Janine

            You ARE sexist, and I AM pro-equality. There’s no need to call names.

        • Andrea

          All intercourse is rape, didn’t you know?

      • Jess

        I interpreted it more as “buy these condoms so your girlfriends mouth doesn’t hurt from giving you blow jobs, and have sex instead” nowhere does it imply that the man is forcibly shoving his dick in her mouth. My SO is quite large, and the corners of my mouth end up hurting when I go down on him, but he in no way forces me to do it; and to imply that the corners of my mouth hurt because he does is about as unfair as saying that’s why the corners of her mouth are hurt.

      • Babomonkey

        It’s also not a real ad but a parody of a Burger King ad. http://adsoftheworld.com/files/images/burger_king_realbig.preview.jpg

        Do you find that ad misogynistic?

  • Nicole

    Really? Seems pretty clear to me. It’s a degrading message. Ooh, buy these condoms so you can feel like a big man when you force your huge cock into her and split her face in two. Appealing. I have a sense of humor but that ad is disgusting. Sugar coats and sexualizes abuse/rape. I don’t know how people DON’T see that.

    • Jess

      Just because the corners of her mouth are hurt, don’t mean she was forced to suck his cock…how do people NOT see THAT? Some of us women enjoy orally pleasuring our men even if it does hurt a little.

    • http://twitter.com/foundry_of_lies Mikey

      You don’t know how people don’t see that? It’s quite simple – most of us really enjoy sex, and oral sex in particular. Now this doesn’t seem to be your thing, and that’s absolutely fine, we all have different tastes. But you seem to be confusing your own subjective reaction to the poster with the poster being objectively bad. Being able to *imagine* that this particular ad involves rape, and this ad *actually* involving rape, are two very different things.

    • noooope

      You are an idiot. I just thought you should know. Now that you do, you can work toward becoming a better person by addressing that issue.

  • Damone

    I think the whole thing was a fabulous read and I know that after my bitch destroys 3 of my flat screen tv’s and rolls my car, then leaves me for someone else for a few months then rolls his car, that these ads are really a breath of fresh air…

  • http://www.pcdefteri.net/ @hotmail kaydol

    I wouldn’t call that Durex ad vintage.

  • k

    the durex one isn’t real, but the interpretation of it is so off the mark. there’s no implication of someone forcing their cock down someones throat, it’s just saying that the persons cock is so big that it hurts the womans mouth to fit it in. it’s literally like a guy saying “my cock is so big when girls give me head it stretches their mouths out”

  • noooope

    That durex ad really doesn’t belong on the list. I wasn’t vintage OR sexist. Yeah, she couldn’t possibly have actually wanted to give the guy a blowjob 9_9

    That’s just seeing what you want to see, and finding problems where there are none.

  • Sowhat

    I still don’t see what the fuss is about… Some things were done properly back then. Then that whole women’s empowerment movement fucked everything up

    • Sassy McClassy

      I know right? I fucking hate having to work for a living, I’d rather get money and have sex without having to do much. Too bad men all got fat and lazy and stopped getting paid enough to support us women…so we had to find jobs.

      • Justicer7

        That’s not true. World war II era, men were over fighting in Germany/France?Holland etc., most everyone was being drafted and encouraged to enlist, women left at home, economy suffering in an expensive war, Rockefeller had the great idea of “women’s empowerment/feminism” to get women out of the homes and into the workplace so they could tax the other half of the population to fund the country’s expenses. What? You thought they actually gave a shit about women’s rights? lol

      • Justicer7

        That’s not true. World war II era, men were over fighting in Germany/France?Holland etc., most everyone was being drafted and encouraged to enlist, women left at home, economy suffering in an expensive war, Rockefeller had the great idea of “women’s empowerment/feminism” to get women out of the homes and into the workplace so they could tax the other half of the population to fund the country’s expenses. What? You thought they actually gave a shit about women’s rights? lol

  • http://www.bedavatvizle.org/sitemap.html tv izle bedava

    Really? Seems pretty clear to me. It’s a degrading message. Ooh, buy these condoms so you can feel like a big man when you force your huge cock into her and split her face in two. Appealing. I have a sense of humor but that ad is disgusting. Sugar coats and sexualizes abuse/rape. I don’t know how people DON’T see that.

  • http://sodandy.com Florent

    Funny !

    Makes you not regret that time too much.

  • Do Not Bow Down

    If you people think there’s nothing wrong with the Durex ad, you need professional help! “Oh ha, ha, look what I did to that bitch! I made her mouth bleed! Nothing hotter than a girl who suffers for you sexually.” Yeah, you’re not the one with the problem; all us noromal people who prefer to be loving are. *cough* *cough*

    • circleno

      No point did the ad say bitch!, no point did the ad say anything against woman, no point did the ad say force

  • hahaha

    This article show how stupid women really are. The title of the article is 10 Bizarre, Offensive, and Misogynistic Vintage Magazine Ads, but they posted 11. LMAO!