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A Date With Chris Brown!

02.14.2012

Ladies, are you aching for a date with proven asshole and multi-talented crooner Chris Brown? You’re not alone! In fact, after his performances at the 2012 Grammy awards, Twitter was overflowing with completely rational women who would love nothing more than to spend some quality time with the heartthrob. Even with all the doubt surrounding him, Chris found a way to beat the odds.

Bad news?  You can’t all have him. Chris Brown is a busy man and he has a ton of personal obligations. Good news? The Photoshop Bomber has got your back!

Instead of stalking him and hoping for the best, check out the simulation below to see what it would be like to date the real Chris Brown. Your dentist will thank you later.

Chris likes to set the mood with some light flirting, so before you meet up for your date, he’ll send some romantic pictures to your phone to let you know what he has planned for your special night. He’s so sweet!

He’ll show up early so you’ll know he’s taking you very seriously. You’ll be able to see the passion in his eyes as his clenched fist shakes with raw desire. He’ll grind his teeth and mutter under his breath so you’ll immediately know that he’s the one.

Instead of boring flowers, Chris will bring you a slab of cold raw beef. You’ll ask him if he’s going to cook it for your dinner and he’ll laugh uncontrollably for 5 to 10 minutes.  “No,” he’ll answer. “You’ll be needing this for later.”

He’ll want you to get to know the real Chris Brown, not just the one in all the magazines and police reports. So, Chris will take you to one of his favorite places: the baseball bat factory! Chris loves baseball bats! Not baseball, really. Just the bats. He collects them. While you’re there, he’ll buy 20 to replace some that he already has. “They’re…dirty,” he’ll explain. “Covered in red, sticky…dirt.”

Then he’ll take a dance break, just because.

After dinner at Dorsia, Chris will whisk you away for a night hanging with his high-class friends, like Patrick Bateman. Swoon! At Pat’s apartment you’ll play a fun game where you pretend to be a drugged-out prostitute. You’ll lose, but it’s not your fault. The other girls there are really good at this game! They must be actresses or something. Chris will pull out a wire hanger, probably to hang your coat. But before you can ask him about it, you’ll get really tired and fall asleep. Guess you’re kind of a lightweight!

When you wake up, you’ll be in a lot of pain. You’ll find a note from Chris stapled to your forehead that informs you that you got drunk the night before and fell down some stairs or into a doorknob or something. You’ll also find some money for a cab ride home. How thoughtful! When you get home from the hospital, you’ll tell all your friends about how you slept with Chris Brown, even though you can’t remember a thing. What a dreamboat!

On a serious note: what the fuck is wrong with these women?

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  • Declan

    Was this supposed to be funny? I feel like this was supposed to be funny.

    • http://goo.gl/obiC christy

      Brown’s people have consulted with outside legal eagles — including law school professors — who have said Rihanna’s own aggressiveness takes it out of the felony category. Sources say Rihanna was the first one to strike — slapping and striking Brown “numerous times” while he was driving, after seeing the text message from another woman.
      Although initial reports suggested that a female made the call to police, according to the report, it was a Rabbi who lives in the area. The unidentified man reportedly heard the confrontation outside and called 911, not knowing he was about to make a report about R&B’s biggest stars. He came outside when he heard shouting. “She was screaming out of control and he was extremely calm,” read his statement, adding that Rihanna “was not screaming for help, she was just screaming.”
      Contrary to what sites like TMZ had previously reported, Rihanna did not tell police that she was the victim of “escalating violence.” TMZ reported: “Multiple enforcement sources tell TMZ, the night of the attack Rihanna told cops she was the victim of escalating violence — and the perp was Brown.”However, a source involved in the investigation reports, Rihanna confessed there has only been two other incidences in which she felt threatened, but this was the first time Chris retaliated. Rihanna told investigators that the first incident occurred in Europe three months ago. It was a verbal dispute, which led to Rihanna slapping Chris Brown. In self-defense, Chris put her up “against the wall” and told her to calm down.
      The second incident occurred when the couple was visiting Rihanna’s family in her native Barbados back in August 2008. She described the incident as a verbal dispute, and added that no one was assaulted. According to the source involved in the investigation, the night of the alleged attack, Rihanna attacked Chris after reading a text message sent to him by a former lover.
      The difference is Rihanna is a piece of shit who STARTED the violence, but people gloss over that FACT because she’s a woman.
      Always blame the man and absolve the woman, that’s the motto of feminism.
      Just tell these cunts: If you want to act like a man, don’t cry when you get treated like a man. That’s called “equality.”
      And isn’t it interesting how feminist cunts always stand behind women who murder their husbands citing hypocritical reasons like “oh he beat her, so it was completely justified.”
      Now that the shoes is on the other foot, suddenly women are victims and men should show restraint?
      Sorry cunts: YOU CAN’T HAVE YOUR CAKE AND EAT IT TOO

  • http://www.dustintriplett.com Dustin

    It is funny, Declan. Shame you don’t have a sense of humor when it comes to talentless shits who beat women.

    • Ben

      Just because Chris Brown is a piece of shit doesn’t mean this is funny.

      • heather

        mr. breezy is a piece of shit AND this is funny. i’m pretty sure it’s meant to both shock (violence against women) and make a person laugh (the dance break, the meat). it’s just another article that calls attention to the fact that chris is a douche, which is useful, because people need to keep remembering that he is an unapologetic douche. i also like that fact that it specifically calls attention to the idiot women said online during the grammys (there’s a link embedded) that they’d “let chris brown beat them any day.” seriously?? what is WRONG with these girls?

        • http://aol.com anonymous

          That’s the last time you tlak back to me, missy.

    • Declan

      I think you meant to respond to me, but failed. Not a huge surprise, as judging from your horrible website, Twitter feed, and Facebook page, you would seem to be a fucking moron, as well as a fat-faced emo douchebag.

      Oh, and I have a great sense of humor about talentless shits who beat women! I wrote my master’s thesis on Ike Turner. This just article just isn’t very funny. Did your “girlfriend” write it? Does “she” know you’re her “boyfriend”? Are irony quotes ever funny? No.

      • http://www.dustintriplett.com Dustin

        Don’t you have anything better to do than take the time to lookup and insult someone you don’t agree with on the internet? You really need to lighten up.

        • Declan

          Nope. I’m at loose ends currently, much like your sad earlobes will be in a few years.

        • Declan

          And you lied on Twitter; it was you who disagreed with, and insulted me first, you sad fuck. Are you familiar with the Roman concept of Total War? A hint: breakfast cereal isn’t involved.

    • http://goo.gl/obiC christy
  • Jesus_Christ

    Declan, I don’t know Dustin from a hole in the wall, but I must say – you are a complete tool. You clearly have way too much time on your hands. I know I’m just feeding the troll in you, by commenting, but that’s okay. I’m sure you’ll be thrilled that you have another comment that you can reply to, saying something intelligent like, “fat-faced emo douchebag”…