Ladies, are you aching for a date with proven asshole and multi-talented crooner Chris Brown? You’re not alone! In fact, after his performances at the 2012 Grammy awards, Twitter was overflowing with completely rational women who would love nothing more than to spend some quality time with the heartthrob. Even with all the doubt surrounding him, Chris found a way to beat the odds.
Instead of stalking him and hoping for the best, check out the simulation below to see what it would be like to date the real Chris Brown. Your dentist will thank you later.
Chris likes to set the mood with some light flirting, so before you meet up for your date, he’ll send some romantic pictures to your phone to let you know what he has planned for your special night. He’s so sweet!
He’ll show up early so you’ll know he’s taking you very seriously. You’ll be able to see the passion in his eyes as his clenched fist shakes with raw desire. He’ll grind his teeth and mutter under his breath so you’ll immediately know that he’s the one.
Instead of boring flowers, Chris will bring you a slab of cold raw beef. You’ll ask him if he’s going to cook it for your dinner and he’ll laugh uncontrollably for 5 to 10 minutes. “No,” he’ll answer. “You’ll be needing this for later.”
He’ll want you to get to know the real Chris Brown, not just the one in all the magazines and police reports. So, Chris will take you to one of his favorite places: the baseball bat factory! Chris loves baseball bats! Not baseball, really. Just the bats. He collects them. While you’re there, he’ll buy 20 to replace some that he already has. “They’re…dirty,” he’ll explain. “Covered in red, sticky…dirt.”
Then he’ll take a dance break, just because.
After dinner at Dorsia, Chris will whisk you away for a night hanging with his high-class friends, like Patrick Bateman. Swoon! At Pat’s apartment you’ll play a fun game where you pretend to be a drugged-out prostitute. You’ll lose, but it’s not your fault. The other girls there are really good at this game! They must be actresses or something. Chris will pull out a wire hanger, probably to hang your coat. But before you can ask him about it, you’ll get really tired and fall asleep. Guess you’re kind of a lightweight!
When you wake up, you’ll be in a lot of pain. You’ll find a note from Chris stapled to your forehead that informs you that you got drunk the night before and fell down some stairs or into a doorknob or something. You’ll also find some money for a cab ride home. How thoughtful! When you get home from the hospital, you’ll tell all your friends about how you slept with Chris Brown, even though you can’t remember a thing. What a dreamboat!
On a serious note: what the fuck is wrong with these women?