Prince William is sort of stuck at this point, but if he had more time, I would make a suggestion that he rethink his choice of Middleton girl and instead marry Kate’s younger, more fun sister, Pippa Middleton.

Why Pippa Is Better Than Her Boring Older Sister:

1. She has great thighs.

2. She gets wonderful fake tans.

3. She’s been described by people who know the sisters as “more outgoing and sexier” than Kate.

4. She loooves to party, and was photographed at Fashion Week drunk with her bra poking out. Unlike Kate, who looks like your mom did in 1980 (pretty, but only because she is your mom and you don’t remember her ever looking that young).

5. Pippa is a hard worker — she organizes lots of parties for her friends. Kate = not a party planner, thus not a hard worker.

6. Her name is Pippa. It sounds a lot like Pippin, who was also a fun person, and nothing like “Kate,” whose name means “pure.” Yawn. -Christina Drill