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Halfway to Amish

words by Rachel Carter
01.14.2010

In honor of the new year, I thought I’d turn this column into a list of hipster predictions. Using some scientific data (i.e., a Google image search), I’m predicting where aesthetic hipster trends are headed.

OVERALL LOOK PREDICTIONS

#1. The Amish

The Amish

We all know that hipsters like irony. But some of them also like sincerity. Ironic-sincerity? Sincere sincerity? Whatever. I recently learned about this whole reemerging hipster movement in LA called the New Sincerity Movement, which is mostly just about artists acting super sincere and playing really unironic folk music. Which got me thinking; maybe hipsters are getting sick of irony. Maybe 2010 is all about being crazy sincere. And no one is more sincere than the Amish. Plus, think about it: they wear statement hats. They like suspenders. They have structural facial hair. I mean, hipsters are already halfway to Amish anyway. I predict 2010 is the year they’ll fully commit. And maybe start farming all over Williamsburg.

#2. Superhero Chic

Superhero Chic

According to Paste Magazine, we’re currently in the hipster age of the Meta Nerd. Lots of glasses without frames and ironic suspenders. But come on hipsters, I think we can get even nerdier. How about superhero chic? Think larping, but with less role playing and more irony. We all know that everyone loves superheroes. Since hipsters are basically just wearing elaborate costumes anyway, it’s time to take the plunge and put on some green tights and a mask. Or an entire Iron Man suit. It’s pretty much a hipster outfit anyway: hard to walk in, takes a lot of effort to get into, tight in weird places.

#3. Vikings

Viking

A year ago, every other skinny 20-something guy in New York City was dressed in flannel and had a huge beard. 2009 was all about the fake glasses and the pocket protectors. But I predict they’ll be a mountain man resurgence in 2010. Times 100. Meet: The Viking! This guy doesn’t wear flannel, he rocks huge fur pelts. And he wields a big axe (he wishes). As far as I know, weaponry is a totally untapped hipster market. Maybe it’s time they all started carrying around cross bows and battle-axes. It might be a little more manly than a ukulele. I’m just saying.

HOT NEW ACCESSORIES

#1. Gas Masks

Gas Mask

Hipsters love a good useless accessory. Monocles, tiny instruments, fanny packs. The more useless, the better. But instead of just being useless, accessories in 2010 will become aggressively dysfunctional. Like a gas mask. After all, gas masks obstruct almost all of your senses. And unless some chemical warfare starts happening, they’re beyond useless. Hipsters will love them. I predict we’ll start seeing these paired with skinny jeans and neon sunglasses over the eyeholes.

#2. Chaps

Chaps

Skinny jeans have been popular for far too long. It’s time for them to evolve. And since they’re getting skinnier and skinnier, what’s the next logical step? For pieces of them to start disappearing. Like the ass pieces. Or, if that’s too obvious, maybe an ironic calf cutout. Or a strategically placed thigh hole. But let’s face it, those jeans are getting so tight they’re bound to start ripping anyway. It’s time to cut out the middle man. Literally.

#3. Crocheted Beards

I predict that in 2010, everyone will start crocheting beards for themselves. It’s the perfect combo of ironic facial hair and unnecessary effort. Can’t you just see all those hipsters on the subway click-clicking as they create a super warm mustache? You could have a pink beard, or a neon blue one, or a – oh what? This already exists?

Crocheted Beard

It’s official. I’m a genius.

Rachel Carter has an MFA in nonfiction writing from Columbia University. Her work has appeared in Girl Zone magazine and The Faster Times. She is currently living in New York and working on a young adult novel about ghosts. Visit her Pop Culture Blog.

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  • http://www.myspace.com/seizedbyforce Chris Aitkens

    Rachel, you just doomed us all! Once hipsters see this column, they’ll dismiss your predictions, but then we’ll start wearing those god-awful things for the sole purpose of being ironic. Very soon, American Apparel will pick up these trends and it’ll be curtains for modern fashion as we know it. And I’m pretty sure I’m correct, for someone dangerously close to being a hipster myself.

  • Mark Huddle

    Rachel, you ARE a genius. Hilarious. (Not to mention it’s nice knowing that my closet full of Norse chic will finally be “in” this year.

  • http://www.verbicidemagazine.com jackson

    re: “farming all over williamsburg”:

    http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/17/nyregion/17entry.html?_r=1

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  • http://hottopop.wordpress.com/ RCarter

    See, Jackson? It’s like I’m an evil genius.

    And Chris, please do not start wearing chaps out in public. Even if they do show up in American Apparel.

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  • heather

    Oh my god! Vote number 3 for “Rachel = genius.” I can’t wait to start rocking an Amish bonnet in downtown Oly. ;) That’s sincere. Because I am sincere, and nice, and I’m way ahead of the trends.