2 Steps Forward, 2 Steps Back
When the first Gorillaz album came out, my first thought was that it was the end of music. And, no, I’m not a Gorillaz hater. To the contrary, I’m a huge Gorillaz nerd (for obvious reasons). But the implications of a successful cartoon band backed by a major label is horrifying.
For years, the music industry has been looking for quicker, easier, and cheaper ways to make and sell music. The problem from their perspective was always the artists. Sure, a label could always pump out music to meet demand, but inevitably they would need artists to act as salesmen for the product. They needed the Britneys and Simpsons so that the kids would have someone to relate to.
Though legitimately talented, the tragedy of the Gorillaz is that they signaled an end to this problem. As it turns out, the public is willing to buy music from a musician that has been literally manufactured. Need an indie rock superstar? Just make one up from scratch. And you don’t have to worry about a Britney-style breakdown or money disputes because your superstar is made from pen and ink. He’ll only be as flawed as public opinion wants him to be. It’s a music executive’s wet dream.
Still, it hasn’t exactly been easy finding the right balance. Lord knows there have been plenty of horrible mistakes on the path to cartoon pop stardom. Below are some of the more memorable.
THE ARCHIES
I wish I got as much ass as Archie. Seriously, how the fuck does this guy do it? I mean, not to be an asshole, but I’d cut off my own nose before I’d let some red-headed hippie fuck two of the hottest girls in my high school. His dick must be bigger than two forearms glued together. Listen to them here!
JOSIE AND THE PUSSYCATS
A concept way before its time, three multi-ethnic chicks bang out psychedelic riffs wearing sexy cat bondage gear. If this band came out today, it would go 15 times platinum in under one month. Take that, Pussycat Dolls! I’m going to go out on a limb and say that Josie was the most trashy. Listen to them here!
ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS
Just because orphaned animals can sing doesn’t mean they should. The Christmas with the Chipmunks album is a form of child abuse. And what was up with that whole “talking animals in a human dominated society” angle? All I’m saying is, if humanoid chipmunks were considered a race, this stuff would be our generation’s Birth of a Nation. Listen to them here!
JEM AND THE HOLOGRAMS
Gender equality is truly, truly, truly outrageous. Especially when it gives birth to hot female lead singers. So what if she used computers to fool her way to rock stardom…and lied to millions of fans…and was a two-timing, talentless hack. T-Pain has done far more damage to the music industry with computers, and he looks horrible in a miniskirt. Me and my friends are Jem girls! Listen to them here!
MC SKAT KAT
Go listen to “Opposites Attract” by Paula Abdul and then tell me that animated cats don’t deserve six-figure record deals. Fuck 50 Cent! He’d be all like,“I got shot 99 times.” And Skat Kat would respond,“Meow, meow. Meow, meow, meow!” Awwwww shit! That’s cold-blooded, son! Listen to them here!
PUFFY AMI YUMI
If you’re not from Japan, you might be saying,“Puffy Ami Whathafuck?” I understand. But outside of the USA, these two chicks are a household name, like Pledge. Cute bottles of Pledge that look good in bright colors. Get with the program you xenophobic a-hole! Asian cartoon punk-pop rules! Listen to them here!
